The Inferiority Complex

Okay, people and their insecurities. I cannot stand people that will do stuff behind your backs, plot around, and then go ahead and dump problems on you to make you look bad. I mean, where is the professionalism in that? What is with the inferiority complex? I have managed to have one too many experiences in just the span of a year to really be an expert now.

We as Indians are complex, and very unique individuals. We all come from such vast backgrounds, but somehow we don’t use this to play up to our strengths. I feel as a nation we could grow so much if we just put our personal egoes to the side, and concentrate on getting the work DONE. Why is it so hard to just be honest for once and say, okay yeah, I’m the one who fucked up this time? I’m so sorry, let me take care of my mess, because it’s my mess. But no, you’re going to have to be double clever, and put the blame on someone else, so that you don’t have to deal with the mess.

I wonder if it’s because we fail to be responsible individuals. Growing up as Indians, we’re pampered and spoiled to the core. Again, maybe not all of us, I may just be generalizing here. But I also get this sense from us that when it comes to the professional sphere, we just don’t seem to have it together. Is it because we’re just so used to being provided for, or always have our moms at our feet taking care of us, never really having to move out at the age of 16, pay the bills, live on our own, I mean really on our own, NOT a hostel, for pete’s sake? That just does not count.

I wonder if it also may be because we’ve always been sidelined by authorities. I mean ever since growing up, there’s always been an adult, whether it’s in school, at home, at the shops, telling us kids right from wrong. Plus, then there’s this whole senior vs. junior fiasco. If you’re older than me or have a bit more experience, you’re going to be telling me what to do, and I’m just going to blindly follow. Forget using your own brain. I’m sorry to disappoint, but I have a mind of my own, and I enjoy using it.

Maybe that’s what always surfaces to problems with me, because I voice my opinions and will express if I find something fishy. I don’t point fingers, but I own up. If I’ve done good work, I make sure I’m recognized. If not, I take the blame and stay quiet. I have learned to figure out when voicing is too much, and when it’s just enough. But you know what, no matter how much people resent me, I will be assertive, gentle, but assertive.

Let us own up to our mistakes. Let us help each other out, instead of always putting each other down. Jealousies and insecurities are really not going to take us too far. I have strengths and weaknesses, but one thing I pride over is the fact that I am always honest. We as a society have so much potential, but it’s petty factors such as this that just keeps pushing us further behind. Be honest, be kind, be real, for once. 

Stressbuster 2: Dealing with the ‘New’

          Ok, so when there’s no one else to talk to, you gotta rely on that pen and paper to peg down all your thoughts. I haven’t blogged in quite a while now. For those of you wondering, no I didn’t just run away. I’ve joined a one-year media course, and it’s pretty much taken over my whole life. I won’t say that I regret making this decision, but I won’t say it’s been a cake walk.

            For the first time, I’m living away from my parents, and that too in an Indian city, ALL BY MYSELF. Yes, I like saying that over and over again, because it gives me this sense of independence and responsibility. I can’t say that I’ve become completely independent in these past two months. I still complain and rant quite a bit with my hostelites, when I can’t get Mom on the phone. Nevertheless, it’s been quite a ride…

            I always thought living in a college dorm would be such a cool experience. Joining a hostel has been really fun. I’ve made some really great friends, who understand me from every angle (THANK GOD). My roomie is a sweetheart, always willing to listen to my rants, picking up after me whenever I’m too exhausted, and the BEST HUGGER ever. It’s easy just climbing down one floor from the hostel to my classes. The food is also pretty decent. Sounds like heaven, right? Not exactly. There are curfews to adhere too, limitations when it comes to going out, and learning to manage time. With washing clothes, washing dishes, cleaning your own room, and the assignments of course, the work load just keeps building on up.

            The first month was mentally and physically draining, because I had no idea how to handle it all. I feel like I’ve gotten a bit better, but occasionally have my outbursts. I can’t put the entire blame on the workload. Sometimes, I tend to over-stress and over-react to things I really don’t need to. I’m learning to LET GO sometimes. If teachers just won’t hear you out, just move on. If you just can’t get yourself to get those assignments done, don’t beat yourself up. If someone doesn’t get my point of view even after strenuous efforts to convince, forget it. Life is going to be filled with that, and it’s up to me how I handle it all.

            In these past two months, I’ve traveled for two hours, balancing my luggage around, through the Bombay trains. I’ve pushed myself through sweaty crowds. I’ve hounded around to find a celebrity to interview. I’ve tracked down a mayor. I’ve registered myself to vote. I’m pretty proud of myself if you ask me. And there’s only that much more to come…

            When Mommy and Daddy aren’t there to keep you steady, it’s all up to you. There’s gonna be a whole lot of ups and downs in store for me. Today’s crazy day was just a minor taste of it. I can’t let myself get carried away with the negatives. I’m thankful to have three meals a day, a roof over my head, some good people with me, and my loving and concerned parents ready to help out any way they possibly can. Not to worry, Mom and Dad, I’m doing alright. I can make it through the next eight months. It’s all going to be worth it, because at the end of the day it’s about making the most of each and every experience. Just wish me luck, guys!

A New Chapter Begins…

           The butterflies just wouldn’t stop. A million thoughts and worries kept flooding my mind. Was I making the right decision? Was I ready to move away from parents? Start a new life altogether in a brand new city?

           Yes, this all sounds a bit dramatic, but this is how I was feeling after my acceptance to Sophia College in Mumbai. Of course I knew deep inside that enrolling into this one-year media course would probably be one of the most valuable experiences of my life, but the apprehension just wouldn’t stop. And now here I am sitting on my hostel bed blogging away, after dropping Mom off at the airport, on my first day away from home.

            It all seems like a complete blur now. Only two months ago, I was cooped up in my room focused on cracking these entrances, clueless about the outcome. I got accepted, and will start my first day of classes tomorrow. It’s all very nerve-wracking. Of course I’m extremely excited to venture into different fields of media, and do what I had been craving for all this time. Throwing myself in projects, interacting with professionals, working non-stop, and learning so much along the way…but to be honest I’ve never done something like this before.

            Although I’ve moved around my whole life, I do have to admit I’ve been pretty sheltered, and have lived a fairly comfortable life.  I’ve relied on my parents for everything, and here I was in a brand new city, immersed amongst new people, about to begin a new life, but this time completely alone. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love Bombay, but this thought scared me a bit. Today, when I was moving in and unpacking all my things, for a moment, I just threw myself on the bed surrounded by various things, completely overwhelmed. I wept silently, “I don’t think I can do this, this shifting in thing, all over again, and this time alone…” But, Mom, always being the strong pillar of support for me for years, reassured me this was how I was to learn.

            “Hi, I’m Kriti, and I’m your hostel rep…” came a warm greeting from a girl with a giant smile on her face. It wasn’t until half an hour later that Kriti and I traversed up to the top floor for a splendid sea view of the city, chatting away about Bollywood movies. Soon, four other grinning girls surrounded us in my tiny room. From Bollywood, to Kerala, to senior hostelites, to the course, to Bandra Hill shopping, we talked about it all. The nerves loosed up a bit. Mom smiled nodding as if saying, “It’ll all be okay.”

            So now my two excitable roommates are back, chattering away in Hindi with their ‘apun’ ‘apun’ Bumbai slang. This is going to be an interesting ride, a few ups, a few downs, but all in all I’m looking forward to it. So here we go…

‘How Personal Is Personal…’

           And so I walked into the restaurant, jam-packed with people sitting in crowded clusters. Nobody really looked at one each other, (which came as a surprise honestly), but rather focused on their hearty meals, munching down noisily. We instantaneously climbed up to the AC dining hall for comfort, only to be disappointed when they said they didn’t serve dosas and idlis during lunch. So we traversed back into the hot mess downstairs. I know what you’re thinking…why in the world would you want to eat in that crowded, sweaty, noisy dining hall. Well, can you blame me if I want me some piping hot idlis and dosas, smothered in coconut chutney?! I didn’t care, I was determined. And so, the interesting experience began…

            Due to the lack of space, complete strangers were packed together in tables fighting for space in the restaurant. Now it came to my realization why they didn’t stare at one another. It’s because people were eating with people they’d never met! As much as we tried to ask for a separate table, we were obliged to seat ourselves in a tiny table of four, seated across two male strangers. The awkwardness was tangible. The repeated attempts to look anywhere but at the two men eating across me made it difficult to even concentrate at my meal. Forget concentrating on my meal, as my eyes couldn’t help but slide over at the adjacent platters of rice, fried chicken, and bowls of sambar. Completely immersed in animated conversations, they didn’t seem to notice at all, while Mom and I cringed in discomfort.

            Encroaching upon personal space is something Westerners are not comfortable with at all. Due to the individualistic and independent nature of Westerners (according to me), as opposed to the collectivist Indian society, personal space is valued. Having grown up there, I’ve had multiple awkward encounters in crowded elevators, shops, restaurants where I can’t help but flinch greatly (and I mean jump ten feet high) at personal contact with a stranger. However, what I see bewilders me even greatly. I’ve seen strangers affectionately squeezing the cheeks of random cute babies, or the vibrant vegetable ‘ammas’ shoving me aside for space on train journeys, or my friends and I wedged in a sandwich between sweaty strangers, all scrambling for their burgers at the college canteen lines. I can imagine just the looks of horror my American classmates would give me right now…

            Despite the stark contrast in cultures, it is interesting to note some contradictions in each society. Although Westerners will otherwise not dig their noses in your business, when it comes to helping someone in great need, they will come to your rescue. I have witnessed more than one instance. For example, a huge crowd flocked together to defend a young girl getting physically assaulted by her boyfriend out on the streets. Yet, when I saw a nearly similar instance of a husband assaulting his wife at a train station in Chennai, people barely glanced over. In a society where we’re constantly concerned about our neighbor’s happenings, it’s sad to see we don’t leap up at the opportunity to help strangers. We’d rather just watch, and stay out of it.

From Yaps to Texts

            You ever been in those situations where it suddenly gets extremely quiet and you look around you and all you see are heads down, fingers tapping, headphones locked in the ears? Normally you’d be one of them, but today is one of those rare days that you’re not glued to your phone and rather want to look out the window, and take the wonders of the world in. Just the other day, I saw this awesomely inspiring clip called ‘Look Up,’ encouraging young people to get off their phones, and go play, through an incredible love story. Yes, it’s the tech savvy generation, where everyone’s all about their iPhones, Google tablets, 2G, 3G, FG? And the list just goes on…but have you ever just stopped and wondered what is it doing to our communication skills?

            There has been more than one occasion where I have come across people who are extremely chatty via ‘Whatsapp’ or ‘FB,’ but when it comes to being face to face, they shut down completely! I feel like there are people nowadays who just do not know how to have a face to face conversation, because they’ve gotten addicted to the virtual world! Indians in general are WAY MORE social in nature than Westerners. So it’s understandable that most Westerns close up and take more time to socialize when they’re beyond their comfort zones. They’ll adapt an ‘I don’t know you yet, so I have my guard up but I'll still be as sweet as possible,’ personality as they venture into the course of making friends. Then of course, when they’re comfortable, there’s no stopping them ;)

            From my experiences coming here, I feel like the Indian youth is also becoming less and less social. I sure hope not, because, one of the major qualities of our collectivist culture is the ability to make friends quite easily. But, I feel like ever since Whatsapp, Viber, Line, and all these social media apps have started trending, a lot of us have just forgotten to be social. We may come to our college barely glancing or acknowledging the same person, who we spent hours texting with, the night before. Calling has also just gone out of the window, as with busy hours, or simply to avoid the awkwardness, we just TEXT our close ones. I admit it, I am guilty of this, but I do try my BEST to give my 100% attention to the person sitting next to me, rather than the technological device in my bag. And yes, it stays in my bag, for the most part: 1) because I rarely have pockets, and 2) because I want to stay focused on more important things. This tends to bug the “bejezzus” off my friends who claim I NEVER pick up my phone (but that was only in college)…

            We spend so much time and attention on our devices sometimes that we almost start reading between the lines! Was that message intended with sarcasm, bitterness, or good humor? Did he really just send me the ‘winky face?’ What did I say that made her send a one word reply?! But, it shows the double check mark... is he ignoring my message?!?!?!? These are burning questions we must ask ourselves. 

            God forbid, we don’t completely forget to socialize. A fast paced world, efficiency, or sometimes just plain boredom make us resort to our devices. But, I will say I have seen acts of socialization and mingling WAY MORE in India than in the states. It’s refreshing to see a throng of teenagers huddled together, chit chatting, and laughing along at each other’s jokes. Only with true social interactions, without our devices, will we truly become closer to one another.

Take Me To Another World: A Kathakali Performance

          The audience hushed into silence. The drum beats rose to a crescendo, as the multi-colored curtain slowly inched down. Revealing fiery, red eyes, Ravana rose dramatically from behind. The painted face glared at the audience, as his nimble fingers moved gracefully to each beat of the pounding drums. I watched in complete awe at the miniscule movements of the Kathakali dancer, as he told the story of Ravana.

            The stage shook as Ravana pounded his feet angrily, as his body swiftly circled the stage. His eyebrows twitching and fingers fluttering delicately, he brought a certain mischief and humor in his theatrical display. Then, as in within seconds, the music softened into a lull, as Ravana sat back down in deep contemplation. Picking up the edge of his cloth gingerly, he began to fan himself. The drummers smiled at one another, familiar with the routine, yet somehow just as entranced. Ravana, in rhythm with the drummers, began swaying back and forth. A tender face soon replaced the angry one as he caressed a baby gently in his arms.

            ‘BOOM!’ went the drums, shaking the audience alive. Ravana traversed the stage leaping from one end to the other. The drums thundered along as the earth beneath us rumbled. I felt myself tapping my feet and fingers along to the beat of the drums. The skies darkened, but Ravana’s light continued to shine brightly. For me and everyone else in the audience, we were no longer in Besant Nagar Beach, or Chennai, or India.  I forgot about everything else, as I let myself get carried away into another world. A mystifying aura filled the open gardens, as the drums pulsated through…

            This Kathakali dance performance was one of the best things I ever got to experience here in Chennai, and rightly so, as I reached the end of my undergraduate career. I had never witnessed this classical dance before, and walked in not knowing what to expect. I was a bit distracted at first, but as soon as the dancer took to the stage, it was as if everything else didn’t exist for me. Maybe it was the dramatic and slightly frightening painted face of the dancer, or his extravagant costume, his soft yet powerful movements, or the steadying beat of the drums, in which I lost myself. I realized I had been watching with my mouth half open. What I also realized was that dance is what gives me ultimate joy, something that had been missing out of my life for a long time. I will forever cherish and remember this enthralling performance. What an experience it was!

    
                   
     

‘India: We Are One In Many’

            ‘No, that’s not how you do it!’

            ‘You’re not doing it right!’

            ‘This won’t work at all!’

            These were some of the underlying arguments I have heard in almost every group project. Ideas are constantly knocked aside or laughed off. A free flow of ideas turns into a catastrophic competition of being the best. The worst part is nobody knows how to listen and work together.

            Whenever there are multiple personalities from diverse backgrounds, there is trouble. At least, that’s what I’ve experienced at my college. At first, it sounds truly inspiring to work with a multitude of thoughts and ideas, but in the case of Indian society, we can’t get anything done due to difference of opinion. Just look at our politicians fighting it over with pepper spray in the Parliament to resolve issues. I mean, seriously? But you can’t put the entire blame on them. If we can’t seem to work together in groups, classrooms, neighborhoods, city streets, we can’t expect the leaders of our country to work together. The root of the problem lies in a small scale first.

[DISCLAIMER]: These are purely my thoughts and opinions based on my own experiences. In no way do I intend to generalize, as this is purely my way to free up my mind. I just hope you get something out of this!

            Driving around the Chennai streets is a nightmare, as is in probably every Indian metropolitan city. The other day, my dad was about to drive out of our main gate, when the entire entrance was blocked by traffic. Autos, cars, buses, all began honking simultaneously, fighting for space, and trying to get through first. Trying to maneuver through skillfully, my dad got caught in the jam-packed mess. Nobody bothered to let the other pass, move aside, or courteously give each other space. See that is the problem. Everyone wants to win, and be ahead in India. We forget how to work together, because we are so absorbed in ourselves. This problem could have simply been solved if any driver had been courteous and patient enough to let another pass by in an orderly fashion. Instead, everyone wants to be the first and get ahead. Not having a traffic police officer doesn’t help much either…

            Similar incidents occur in crowded places like banks, cafes, etc. Nobody knows how to wait in a line! Once again, people are constantly pushing and shuffling for space. My first time ordering something in my college café came as a complete shock. I politely stood waiting for others to line up behind me, but oh noooo….a mob of students ambushed me rushing to the front. Various hands reached out around me grabbing their orders. Multiple voices rang out all shouting orders. I felt like I was going to pass out. Somehow, I managed to safely carry my grilled chicken sandwich. Basic courtesy is one way of looking at it, but nobody was concerned for the other.

            Perhaps it is because we are the second most populous country in this world, holding over 35 states, with over 6 ethnic groups, 5 minority groups, 3 major religions, 33 languages. An individual finds it difficult to make something of oneself, because of the complexities in our society. Fierce competition also makes it a struggle to rise up to the top. Our parents pamper us to the core, and we don’t learn individual responsibility until after college when we venture out into the work world. We think we are always right. Perhaps, this is why everyone is so self-absorbed, and can’t seem to work together as a nation. Yes, there is bound to be a difference of opinions and clashing personalities, but what we must realize that in this diversity is our unity. Rather than putting each other down, we need to work together as a team. It can only start from the individual, in order for society to grow.

            So stop for the passerby driving the next time you’re driving. Close your mouth, and actually listen to your fellow peers the next time you sense a discussion turning into a debate. Line up when you get your order to avoid getting squashed, or squashing someone else. All this may seem simple, but we've gotta start small, and work from the bottom for our nation to progress as ONE. 

And remember, (a bit clichéd), but there is never an ‘I’ in TEAM.