Privilege sickens me

            I can’t help nowadays but feel absolutely disgusted by privileged people. I’m mostly referring to the first world. #Firstworldproblems is seriously one of the most annoying things out there. It’s been a while that I have visited the States back, and I have been way out of my comfort zone living in India for the past five years now. I’ve held onto my life, memories, and friends there because I almost don’t want to be swallowed by the realities of the third world. It frightens me…

            I drown myself in funny and silly YouTube videos that Westerners make because it leaves me with some sort of reassurance. I know that sounds absolutely absurd. I crave for an escapist route from the harsh realities of what India has presented me with. It’s starting to suffocate me and drive me a little crazy. I don’t know what to do about the over-loading of information that has sensitized me way too much. I feel helpless and useless being in my own country surrounded by these problems.

            Social media really hasn’t been helping either, when people complain about the most ridiculous things like “Oh I caught a cold, and I’ve been sick ALL week!” Or things like “I wish McDonalds would offer more sauce with the fries!” Or “I’ve been single for sooooo long, I think something’s wrong with me!” Or “My insurance company has been giving me such a hard time!”  Okay, so maybe that last one might be valid.

            Come to think of it, having only lived in that world your whole life, maybe you can validate all these issues. You haven’t seen anything else, or experienced real problems on the other side of the world. There are people dying, people that are struggling everyday to find water, girls who are terrified to step out on the streets at night (a basic human right), or strays that are kicked and abused for pure entertainment.

            Feeling helpless is only going to over-burden me with stress. But somehow, I feel like I have a responsibility. I feel it should be everybody’s responsibility to be aware, informed, and take action. It doesn’t matter how much or little you have. It is every human being’s responsibility to look out for each other to ensure a happy and safe life for everybody out there. Growing up in a privileged first world society, it’s easy to overlook, and move on. I get it. I was one of those people once upon a time.

            All I guess I want to try to put out there with this post is don’t. Please don’t let your petty issues takes precedence. We all live in the same planet. Don’t drown away in your miseries, because odds are, there’s someone out there that’s literally fighting to get a morsel of food each and everyday.

            I always had a desire to reach out and help, any small way I could. Whether it  was at school, college, or even as an adult, I wanted to contribute. But now I’m growing restless, that I need to be doing a lot more. I don’t know what that is, but I just can’t sit back and wait. I was not meant to be on this Earth to just wait. There’s a duty, a responsibility that I have, to work towards the betterment and growth of our society….I ask you…do I have your support as well?  

The Truth Behind Bad Boys

 Okay, DISCLAIMER goes here, before people start bashing the hell outta me... In no way am I trying to generalize or say this is how all men are. This post is entirely based on my opinions and personal experience. And I’m also not trying to put these guys under the bus either. It’s just a way for me to let out how I feel.

Basic sentiment of life goes something like this: You can’t always have what you want. I was not exactly raised this way. I was always told my entire life that if I liked something or wanted something, I could by all means chase it to obtain it. Whether it’s professionally or personally, this has been the motto of my life. So what happens when a girl of 25, merely trying to figure life out, and is in a disillusioned state of mind that life isn’t all that hard, dates? Well, to say the least, a lot…

I was a shy, awkward, gawky high school kid, and even more so after being submerged in a foreign culture. Figuring out high school was hard enough; trying to fit into a sea full of perfectly sun-tanned, super hot Asian American teenagers was ten times harder. With their bikini clad bodies and over the top confidence, the girls in my high school were intimidating enough. So I never gave dating a try, and frankly didn’t have much of an interest either.

The quintessential good girl image that I was so tired of maintaining, mostly out of fear, grew restless in me. By the time I was 22 and back home in my country, India, did I begin to date. What attracted me right away? The bad boy. See, it’s the rebel inside of you that suddenly wakes up when you decide to associate yourself with a so-called ‘rebel’ himself. You feel tough and cool hanging around the guy who’s rough around the edges and has the stereotypical I-don’t-give-a-damn-about-anything attitude. As if that wasn’t a turn on in itself, these boys let me be fearless and free, something I had never felt before.

But all of it is just a façade. See, these boys are constantly trying to prove themselves to be manly enough for you. So their true feelings are always bottled away in secrecy. They will charm you with their sexy lopsided smiles and those deep dark brooding eyes, tempting you to give yourself to him. But they will never ever real their true selves. In all honesty, they want to escape reality, a reality about who they truly are inside.

There’s actually nothing confident or manly about bad boys. They lure you in to get your attention only to feel better and happier about themselves. Inside, they’re actually terrified to reveal their true selves. Their only source of validation in life is to feel desired by you, because they’ve lived their whole lives under fear and insecurity. I (not once, but all three times) broke through this ‘bad boy’ façade and let them feel true emotions for the first time. And they, out of fear, ran. To them, revealing their emotions was disclosing their vulnerabilities. And no bad boy could ever live up to this name if he did so. They can’t be honest with you, but what’s worse, is that they can never be honest with themselves. To avoid being called the weaker sex, they’ll close themselves up, run, and simply prepare for their next target.

All I’ve learned is

1)   It’s true that a guy who can reveal his emotions is a MAN.

2)   Being honest with yourself means being honest with your emotions first.

3)   Lastly, just stay away from the bad boys.

Maybe, the fourth time’s the charm for me? Who knows? I’ll keep you updated.

The Inferiority Complex

Okay, people and their insecurities. I cannot stand people that will do stuff behind your backs, plot around, and then go ahead and dump problems on you to make you look bad. I mean, where is the professionalism in that? What is with the inferiority complex? I have managed to have one too many experiences in just the span of a year to really be an expert now.

We as Indians are complex, and very unique individuals. We all come from such vast backgrounds, but somehow we don’t use this to play up to our strengths. I feel as a nation we could grow so much if we just put our personal egoes to the side, and concentrate on getting the work DONE. Why is it so hard to just be honest for once and say, okay yeah, I’m the one who fucked up this time? I’m so sorry, let me take care of my mess, because it’s my mess. But no, you’re going to have to be double clever, and put the blame on someone else, so that you don’t have to deal with the mess.

I wonder if it’s because we fail to be responsible individuals. Growing up as Indians, we’re pampered and spoiled to the core. Again, maybe not all of us, I may just be generalizing here. But I also get this sense from us that when it comes to the professional sphere, we just don’t seem to have it together. Is it because we’re just so used to being provided for, or always have our moms at our feet taking care of us, never really having to move out at the age of 16, pay the bills, live on our own, I mean really on our own, NOT a hostel, for pete’s sake? That just does not count.

I wonder if it also may be because we’ve always been sidelined by authorities. I mean ever since growing up, there’s always been an adult, whether it’s in school, at home, at the shops, telling us kids right from wrong. Plus, then there’s this whole senior vs. junior fiasco. If you’re older than me or have a bit more experience, you’re going to be telling me what to do, and I’m just going to blindly follow. Forget using your own brain. I’m sorry to disappoint, but I have a mind of my own, and I enjoy using it.

Maybe that’s what always surfaces to problems with me, because I voice my opinions and will express if I find something fishy. I don’t point fingers, but I own up. If I’ve done good work, I make sure I’m recognized. If not, I take the blame and stay quiet. I have learned to figure out when voicing is too much, and when it’s just enough. But you know what, no matter how much people resent me, I will be assertive, gentle, but assertive.

Let us own up to our mistakes. Let us help each other out, instead of always putting each other down. Jealousies and insecurities are really not going to take us too far. I have strengths and weaknesses, but one thing I pride over is the fact that I am always honest. We as a society have so much potential, but it’s petty factors such as this that just keeps pushing us further behind. Be honest, be kind, be real, for once. 

Stressbuster 2: Dealing with the ‘New’

          Ok, so when there’s no one else to talk to, you gotta rely on that pen and paper to peg down all your thoughts. I haven’t blogged in quite a while now. For those of you wondering, no I didn’t just run away. I’ve joined a one-year media course, and it’s pretty much taken over my whole life. I won’t say that I regret making this decision, but I won’t say it’s been a cake walk.

            For the first time, I’m living away from my parents, and that too in an Indian city, ALL BY MYSELF. Yes, I like saying that over and over again, because it gives me this sense of independence and responsibility. I can’t say that I’ve become completely independent in these past two months. I still complain and rant quite a bit with my hostelites, when I can’t get Mom on the phone. Nevertheless, it’s been quite a ride…

            I always thought living in a college dorm would be such a cool experience. Joining a hostel has been really fun. I’ve made some really great friends, who understand me from every angle (THANK GOD). My roomie is a sweetheart, always willing to listen to my rants, picking up after me whenever I’m too exhausted, and the BEST HUGGER ever. It’s easy just climbing down one floor from the hostel to my classes. The food is also pretty decent. Sounds like heaven, right? Not exactly. There are curfews to adhere too, limitations when it comes to going out, and learning to manage time. With washing clothes, washing dishes, cleaning your own room, and the assignments of course, the work load just keeps building on up.

            The first month was mentally and physically draining, because I had no idea how to handle it all. I feel like I’ve gotten a bit better, but occasionally have my outbursts. I can’t put the entire blame on the workload. Sometimes, I tend to over-stress and over-react to things I really don’t need to. I’m learning to LET GO sometimes. If teachers just won’t hear you out, just move on. If you just can’t get yourself to get those assignments done, don’t beat yourself up. If someone doesn’t get my point of view even after strenuous efforts to convince, forget it. Life is going to be filled with that, and it’s up to me how I handle it all.

            In these past two months, I’ve traveled for two hours, balancing my luggage around, through the Bombay trains. I’ve pushed myself through sweaty crowds. I’ve hounded around to find a celebrity to interview. I’ve tracked down a mayor. I’ve registered myself to vote. I’m pretty proud of myself if you ask me. And there’s only that much more to come…

            When Mommy and Daddy aren’t there to keep you steady, it’s all up to you. There’s gonna be a whole lot of ups and downs in store for me. Today’s crazy day was just a minor taste of it. I can’t let myself get carried away with the negatives. I’m thankful to have three meals a day, a roof over my head, some good people with me, and my loving and concerned parents ready to help out any way they possibly can. Not to worry, Mom and Dad, I’m doing alright. I can make it through the next eight months. It’s all going to be worth it, because at the end of the day it’s about making the most of each and every experience. Just wish me luck, guys!

A New Chapter Begins…

           The butterflies just wouldn’t stop. A million thoughts and worries kept flooding my mind. Was I making the right decision? Was I ready to move away from parents? Start a new life altogether in a brand new city?

           Yes, this all sounds a bit dramatic, but this is how I was feeling after my acceptance to Sophia College in Mumbai. Of course I knew deep inside that enrolling into this one-year media course would probably be one of the most valuable experiences of my life, but the apprehension just wouldn’t stop. And now here I am sitting on my hostel bed blogging away, after dropping Mom off at the airport, on my first day away from home.

            It all seems like a complete blur now. Only two months ago, I was cooped up in my room focused on cracking these entrances, clueless about the outcome. I got accepted, and will start my first day of classes tomorrow. It’s all very nerve-wracking. Of course I’m extremely excited to venture into different fields of media, and do what I had been craving for all this time. Throwing myself in projects, interacting with professionals, working non-stop, and learning so much along the way…but to be honest I’ve never done something like this before.

            Although I’ve moved around my whole life, I do have to admit I’ve been pretty sheltered, and have lived a fairly comfortable life.  I’ve relied on my parents for everything, and here I was in a brand new city, immersed amongst new people, about to begin a new life, but this time completely alone. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love Bombay, but this thought scared me a bit. Today, when I was moving in and unpacking all my things, for a moment, I just threw myself on the bed surrounded by various things, completely overwhelmed. I wept silently, “I don’t think I can do this, this shifting in thing, all over again, and this time alone…” But, Mom, always being the strong pillar of support for me for years, reassured me this was how I was to learn.

            “Hi, I’m Kriti, and I’m your hostel rep…” came a warm greeting from a girl with a giant smile on her face. It wasn’t until half an hour later that Kriti and I traversed up to the top floor for a splendid sea view of the city, chatting away about Bollywood movies. Soon, four other grinning girls surrounded us in my tiny room. From Bollywood, to Kerala, to senior hostelites, to the course, to Bandra Hill shopping, we talked about it all. The nerves loosed up a bit. Mom smiled nodding as if saying, “It’ll all be okay.”

            So now my two excitable roommates are back, chattering away in Hindi with their ‘apun’ ‘apun’ Bumbai slang. This is going to be an interesting ride, a few ups, a few downs, but all in all I’m looking forward to it. So here we go…

‘How Personal Is Personal…’

           And so I walked into the restaurant, jam-packed with people sitting in crowded clusters. Nobody really looked at one each other, (which came as a surprise honestly), but rather focused on their hearty meals, munching down noisily. We instantaneously climbed up to the AC dining hall for comfort, only to be disappointed when they said they didn’t serve dosas and idlis during lunch. So we traversed back into the hot mess downstairs. I know what you’re thinking…why in the world would you want to eat in that crowded, sweaty, noisy dining hall. Well, can you blame me if I want me some piping hot idlis and dosas, smothered in coconut chutney?! I didn’t care, I was determined. And so, the interesting experience began…

            Due to the lack of space, complete strangers were packed together in tables fighting for space in the restaurant. Now it came to my realization why they didn’t stare at one another. It’s because people were eating with people they’d never met! As much as we tried to ask for a separate table, we were obliged to seat ourselves in a tiny table of four, seated across two male strangers. The awkwardness was tangible. The repeated attempts to look anywhere but at the two men eating across me made it difficult to even concentrate at my meal. Forget concentrating on my meal, as my eyes couldn’t help but slide over at the adjacent platters of rice, fried chicken, and bowls of sambar. Completely immersed in animated conversations, they didn’t seem to notice at all, while Mom and I cringed in discomfort.

            Encroaching upon personal space is something Westerners are not comfortable with at all. Due to the individualistic and independent nature of Westerners (according to me), as opposed to the collectivist Indian society, personal space is valued. Having grown up there, I’ve had multiple awkward encounters in crowded elevators, shops, restaurants where I can’t help but flinch greatly (and I mean jump ten feet high) at personal contact with a stranger. However, what I see bewilders me even greatly. I’ve seen strangers affectionately squeezing the cheeks of random cute babies, or the vibrant vegetable ‘ammas’ shoving me aside for space on train journeys, or my friends and I wedged in a sandwich between sweaty strangers, all scrambling for their burgers at the college canteen lines. I can imagine just the looks of horror my American classmates would give me right now…

            Despite the stark contrast in cultures, it is interesting to note some contradictions in each society. Although Westerners will otherwise not dig their noses in your business, when it comes to helping someone in great need, they will come to your rescue. I have witnessed more than one instance. For example, a huge crowd flocked together to defend a young girl getting physically assaulted by her boyfriend out on the streets. Yet, when I saw a nearly similar instance of a husband assaulting his wife at a train station in Chennai, people barely glanced over. In a society where we’re constantly concerned about our neighbor’s happenings, it’s sad to see we don’t leap up at the opportunity to help strangers. We’d rather just watch, and stay out of it.

From Yaps to Texts

            You ever been in those situations where it suddenly gets extremely quiet and you look around you and all you see are heads down, fingers tapping, headphones locked in the ears? Normally you’d be one of them, but today is one of those rare days that you’re not glued to your phone and rather want to look out the window, and take the wonders of the world in. Just the other day, I saw this awesomely inspiring clip called ‘Look Up,’ encouraging young people to get off their phones, and go play, through an incredible love story. Yes, it’s the tech savvy generation, where everyone’s all about their iPhones, Google tablets, 2G, 3G, FG? And the list just goes on…but have you ever just stopped and wondered what is it doing to our communication skills?

            There has been more than one occasion where I have come across people who are extremely chatty via ‘Whatsapp’ or ‘FB,’ but when it comes to being face to face, they shut down completely! I feel like there are people nowadays who just do not know how to have a face to face conversation, because they’ve gotten addicted to the virtual world! Indians in general are WAY MORE social in nature than Westerners. So it’s understandable that most Westerns close up and take more time to socialize when they’re beyond their comfort zones. They’ll adapt an ‘I don’t know you yet, so I have my guard up but I'll still be as sweet as possible,’ personality as they venture into the course of making friends. Then of course, when they’re comfortable, there’s no stopping them ;)

            From my experiences coming here, I feel like the Indian youth is also becoming less and less social. I sure hope not, because, one of the major qualities of our collectivist culture is the ability to make friends quite easily. But, I feel like ever since Whatsapp, Viber, Line, and all these social media apps have started trending, a lot of us have just forgotten to be social. We may come to our college barely glancing or acknowledging the same person, who we spent hours texting with, the night before. Calling has also just gone out of the window, as with busy hours, or simply to avoid the awkwardness, we just TEXT our close ones. I admit it, I am guilty of this, but I do try my BEST to give my 100% attention to the person sitting next to me, rather than the technological device in my bag. And yes, it stays in my bag, for the most part: 1) because I rarely have pockets, and 2) because I want to stay focused on more important things. This tends to bug the “bejezzus” off my friends who claim I NEVER pick up my phone (but that was only in college)…

            We spend so much time and attention on our devices sometimes that we almost start reading between the lines! Was that message intended with sarcasm, bitterness, or good humor? Did he really just send me the ‘winky face?’ What did I say that made her send a one word reply?! But, it shows the double check mark... is he ignoring my message?!?!?!? These are burning questions we must ask ourselves. 

            God forbid, we don’t completely forget to socialize. A fast paced world, efficiency, or sometimes just plain boredom make us resort to our devices. But, I will say I have seen acts of socialization and mingling WAY MORE in India than in the states. It’s refreshing to see a throng of teenagers huddled together, chit chatting, and laughing along at each other’s jokes. Only with true social interactions, without our devices, will we truly become closer to one another.